“ The Circle” 05/24/2024
Today I have a lot to discuss…
As I sit and write this I feel a turmoil of energies around me. I feel lost, forgotten and most
importantly embarrassed. I feel there is a lot of error in other people’s ways destroying my own
road blocks but as I remove myself from certain spaces, I encourage you all to try and go
deeper into your solid relationships vs the ones needing to improve.
Unfortunately, I am 29 years of age and do not have a solid relationship in my life. I experienced
many downfalls and quick turn arounds resembling love but represented me seeing the inner
dark wounds of myself that I carried. I have lost what I thought another great partner but feels
resilient to quickly move forward. I feel I can achieve success in love but know love is painful
and hard-work. I feel I no longer want to experience a hardship of advancements. I know
relationships/partnerships & marriage comes with the epiphany moments like, “ I love you” or “I
need you.” I think those string words are basis of self-love only. I only learnt it hurts when we
say those phrases out loud and for some Universal trend it backfires. I feel belittled not
encouraged to love more. In love with others, I have been raped, abused and manipulated. I
have felt forgotten, misused and utterly disgusted with myself. I know no relationship left me
feeling an uprise in emotion only during sex which consisted of me NEVER cumming to my glory
( so what is the point). I am learning I am the disgrace by allowing such low vibrations to center
me. I meditate on a daily, I think I am a thoughtful/graceful/abundant personality and knows I
can attract anything in my capability but love have had it’s curses upon me.
I know the curse started with me giving my love away. Love is not a treasure it is a
self-proclaimed verb. Love only comes in the form of acknowledgment. Love can stem from
others ( your higher consciousness) to inform or warn you of your current path. ( If it does
typically we are on the wrong way, a disastrous path not meant for us.) Love cannot be offered
freely. Love can only swim in the depths of our souls. Love is not what I know of as change it is
only concurrent with who we are in the present moment therefore it never goes away, it can only
increase.
I know the depths of my love and I understand it formulates curses upon me when I give my
love away or when I say, “ I love you” to another person. The curse starts with ownership,
stability and then children, today we typically skip the marriage vows or they may come
afterwards if the fake love is seen/witnessed as positive. I am only saying I am germ free now
lol.
I had my share of heart aches and I can only say I chose them. After, the first lost, I went and
gave myself away and away. But, now I am in a space of sacredness and honesty.
And I say I must lower my walls by allowing what was/is to enter, even if that is letting go of false
love. “ I hate myself”, I remember saying over and over again. But in the same sentence I
remember telling myself, “ I can do this.” What was I trying to accomplish?
I think maybe know now it was a self barrier in which I knew I was doing something spiritually
wrong by thinking a girlfriend or a friend is suppose to supply and be around but my spirit was
being unnurtured and left in silence. There were parts of my spirit that only felt as if I can sleep
during those specific periods of giving and losing. I know the fragmented pieces of my existence
is taken my power back and that is not just separating myself from people who remind me of
dark spaces but actually delivering peace upon my bosom and vagina
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