In and Out

The Circle presents “ In and Out “ on 6/4/2024

As I remember years ago a bully once tried to kill me. She informed me that I was in the wrong and I stole something from her and in reality she slept with my dad. True Story! 

The bully was wrong and she is my cousin. 

My family very similarly suffered from bruises and trauma. The amount of pain I felt knowing my older cousin who threatened to kill me many times as a child ( and for my reason being lite skinned) stuck with me in my adult years. When I was seventeen I officially made it clear with that individual I was not speaking or hanging out with her. I intentionally changed my number and did not miss any calls from her. 

The situation that occurred between her and my father was one of many distractions. I know of the disgusting thing and some other relatives maybe that is why she threatened me. Unfortunately today, the same cousin is on a bully streak. She speaks to my mother and little sister every day and to the contrary she is older by 20 years to me. I think she is very indifferent to me very much so. But I need to write because the same cousin tried to spark a flame against me and a fight at my mother’s birthday party. 

Firstly, I knew she slept with my dad because she informed me of it. Secondly , he and she of course will not say anything but to this day I witness him getting flirty with her all the time ( and that is his blood cousin). No I do not condone this family attire and no I would not raise my children around either of them but I do know it is hurting me because I know this and very few people do. I know this because she not just said it but flaunted it. 

I know my dad messed up greatly and incest and rape and molestation is not new in families. But, from those experiences I conquered I would say the most majestic and dynamic emotion, sin. 

Since I knew the knowledge of my cousin and father, I only informed my blog of the knowledge still to this day. It is an overbearing emotion to try and tell my mother ( but she has access to my blog) and very seriously definitely moved off if it occurred) but I feel entitled to release my bondage and pain completely. 

My cousin was a lot older than me and I recall her as a bully. She appeared nice but in actuality once you really listened to her it was the one upper personality and jab after jab in her congratulations. Her tone would change when positive things come around you. So , as I got older I separated myself from her. I ignored her presence. As I am 29 years of age, I moved home when I was 26. I knew this cousin was still talking about me. Now, that I confronted many dynamics I feel I can deal with my first trauma and that was being told my cousin did it with my dad. I felt eerie and scared. I was threatened they would both punish me. My dad had and still has a severe substance use problem, unfortunately, there is no cure and he still hangs around on disability. My cousin has two kids and lives a mediocre life but still craves love and still is mean. 

I tried to let go the pain and the embarrassment of my father but I had to unleash his sins that were not of my own. I somehow felt ownership of the pain and embarrassment due to him giving birth to me or at least helping me. And as a child sin has no explanation until you spiritually dive into spirituality and psychology of your own. 

It took me over 15 years to unleash a burden that is not mine. No, I do not want to put their business on a blog but I do want to confess this cousin has said gross things about me such as , “ I am on drugs, I am a gang banger, I am a prostitute.” None of those things are true and was compelled to tell my mother. My mother asked me and this cousin knew I was confront her. I moved back home and left my longtime bf ( we are still together even living separately, Now better than ever.) And went to my mom’s face and asked her do you believe I am on drugs. She said no, I hope not. That crushed me because she so easily took in someone else’s words of me and the proof did not matter. I got into many heated arguments with my mother over allowing my dad to live with her and also still communicating with my cousin. And I had to just learn today, to release the pain they felt and that they are doing versus who I really am. I have done nothing wrong at all, but as a child carried an uncomfortable burden and as an adult being punished for knowing it. I truly release unlawful sin, sin that has nothing to do with me but I cramp the thoughts and emotions as my own. 

I forgive my cousin and I forgive my dad for placing me in a vulnerable position. I know I am better now but at the end of the day the pain for 29 years is a curse or should I say was a curse. The sleepless nights I never had because it was not mines to bear.